Ok,
most of us don’t really like small talk. It is superficial and boring
to talk about the weather. What more can be said about the warm weather
that has not been said “warm enough for you”, sounds silly doesn’t it? But
mastering the art of small talk does have an important advantage. It
allows you to ‘break the ice’ without frightening people away. When
someone asks you ‘how are you today?’, they don’t want to hear about
your itchy hemorrhoids or your suicidal sister. If you start telling
them about how depressed you have been lately you are probably going to
deep and will likely drive them away. They are just being polite and at
the most, they are expecting small talk back. To some this may sound
like basic stuff. But striking that balance between sounding boring and
going too deep is difficult. It takes practice and experience to master
the fine art of small talk.
Here are a few tips:
Don’t be afraid to be boring. Initially it is better to be too superficial than to be too deep. Few people expect you to charm their pants off in the first two seconds. In fact they may not be too happy if you really do try to charm their pants off in the first two seconds. Keep the conversation light and harmless in the first few minutes, until you understand that they are interested and ready to hear more. Here is one way to gradually develop a conversation.
Social Lubricant: Start with a smile, a nod of the head, a warm “hello, how are you”. These words can be considered as social lubricants. This will prepare the person that more may be coming. If you start too quickly with questions it may surprise someone from their daydream that they are having. Or they may be waiting for someone and not in the mood for a real conversation from you. Do not be surprised if they give you a very brief answer. However, do not take a brief answer as a reason to stop. They may be shy and need some time to decide how they want to react to you. However, many people will consider that starting with an open question too early (I noticed your tattoo) is too personal.
Superficial Comment: Then comment on something very superficial. For example: “Is it warm in here (cold in here, humid in here, busier than usual) or is it just me?”
Positive Statement: Isn’t the food tasty (environment relaxing, music pleasant) here? Using a positive statement shows that you are a positive individual.
Open Question: Then slowly comment on something your immediate environment. “I hope you don’t mind me asking but I couldn’t help noticing, that is an unusual pendant you’re wearing (tattoo you have, book you are reading, coffee you ordered). Is there a story behind it?” A question like that gives the person a license to really talk to you. It is open and allows them to go into detail or not as they feel comfortable.
If you have opened with the book question, you can continue to discuss books for a while. Talk about a book you have read by the same author, talk about the book you are currently reading, enquire if they would recommend the book. However, don’t overdo the the first subject because it will get boring after a while. Look for an opportunity to gradually change to a similar topic (if you started with books, movies is a good next topic as both are related to entertainment).
It is always good to talk a briefly about yourself, BUT NOT TOO MUCH. Many people make this mistake. After 1 or 2 minutes of telling your thoughts on a subject, always ask a question. "Would you recommend that book (movie, coffee, etc)?" Keep the conversation going back and forth so that both people get an opportunity to speak. Avoid that the dialog turns into a monolog. No one wants to hear you going on and on about your thoughts on the subject.
In time and with experience you will understand how quickly you can move from superficial to deep without frightening people. This is also influenced by culture and age. If you start asking someone of a very different culture, very personal questions, they may not appreciate it. Some people are comfortable and successful moving very quickly and discussing very explicit issues in the first minutes. Other people are more comfortable staying with ‘safe subjects’ until they know the person better. With practice and experience you will quickly become a master at the art of small talk.
Don’t be afraid to be boring. Initially it is better to be too superficial than to be too deep. Few people expect you to charm their pants off in the first two seconds. In fact they may not be too happy if you really do try to charm their pants off in the first two seconds. Keep the conversation light and harmless in the first few minutes, until you understand that they are interested and ready to hear more. Here is one way to gradually develop a conversation.
Social Lubricant: Start with a smile, a nod of the head, a warm “hello, how are you”. These words can be considered as social lubricants. This will prepare the person that more may be coming. If you start too quickly with questions it may surprise someone from their daydream that they are having. Or they may be waiting for someone and not in the mood for a real conversation from you. Do not be surprised if they give you a very brief answer. However, do not take a brief answer as a reason to stop. They may be shy and need some time to decide how they want to react to you. However, many people will consider that starting with an open question too early (I noticed your tattoo) is too personal.
Superficial Comment: Then comment on something very superficial. For example: “Is it warm in here (cold in here, humid in here, busier than usual) or is it just me?”
Positive Statement: Isn’t the food tasty (environment relaxing, music pleasant) here? Using a positive statement shows that you are a positive individual.
Open Question: Then slowly comment on something your immediate environment. “I hope you don’t mind me asking but I couldn’t help noticing, that is an unusual pendant you’re wearing (tattoo you have, book you are reading, coffee you ordered). Is there a story behind it?” A question like that gives the person a license to really talk to you. It is open and allows them to go into detail or not as they feel comfortable.
If you have opened with the book question, you can continue to discuss books for a while. Talk about a book you have read by the same author, talk about the book you are currently reading, enquire if they would recommend the book. However, don’t overdo the the first subject because it will get boring after a while. Look for an opportunity to gradually change to a similar topic (if you started with books, movies is a good next topic as both are related to entertainment).
It is always good to talk a briefly about yourself, BUT NOT TOO MUCH. Many people make this mistake. After 1 or 2 minutes of telling your thoughts on a subject, always ask a question. "Would you recommend that book (movie, coffee, etc)?" Keep the conversation going back and forth so that both people get an opportunity to speak. Avoid that the dialog turns into a monolog. No one wants to hear you going on and on about your thoughts on the subject.
In time and with experience you will understand how quickly you can move from superficial to deep without frightening people. This is also influenced by culture and age. If you start asking someone of a very different culture, very personal questions, they may not appreciate it. Some people are comfortable and successful moving very quickly and discussing very explicit issues in the first minutes. Other people are more comfortable staying with ‘safe subjects’ until they know the person better. With practice and experience you will quickly become a master at the art of small talk.
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