THE BOYS' BRIGADE

Do You Really Know How To Pick Yourself Up And Make A Fresh Start After A Bitter Breakup?

Whether it was your fault or not, a relationship breakup doesn't have to break up your life. I know it is a painful experience, especially when you invest so much emotion, time and effort into the relationship. I understand the pain because I've been through it quite a few times, and each time it hurt just as much if not more. Sometimes it is hard to recover from the hurt, the disappointment and the thought of living your life without that partner. Nonetheless, I recovered each time and made a fresh start so I know you can do the same. So you can cry about it if it makes you feel better, and skip a few meals if you can't help it, but don't allow yourself to be stuck in that condition of self-pity and depression. Stop blaming yourself or your ex-partner. Don't waste time over silly egoistic regrets.  Shake off your disappointments, put that chapter of your life behind you and consider it a lesson well-learned. It now belongs to your past, and as you know you can't change your past. Pick yourself up and move on with hope, and try again. Because it is only when you try again that you can find a truly happy and stable relationship (like the one I have today).
How do you recover from all this pain and heartbreak?

1. 1.      Try to see the breakup in a positive light.

This may seem like a crazy idea especially in the first few days of the breakup when the pain is so fresh and you feel so depressed. It is difficult to see anything positive about living the rest of your life with someone you could have sworn was your soul-mate. When you think of all the fun you had together, and how all your friends and family who knew about your relationship will judge the breakup, it probably makes more sense to you to just concentrate on the pain instead of trying to see anything positive about the breakup. But think of it this way, you wouldn't have broken up if you were soul-mates. And I also expect that true family members and friends will rather be supportive of you than try to judge you or tease you about your breakup. So it is ok to breakup sometimes. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe God is preparing for you someone better suited to your needs: someone who will give you real butterflies in your stomach. Remember and take consolation in the saying that sometimes "Rejection is God's protection". You never know what worst could have happened if it hadn't ended this way. No matter how good your ex was, he or she wasn't perfect. So think of all the bad things they did to make you cry. They were probably not worth your love anyway. A better partner is on the way. Your star will shine brighter if you wait patiently for it.
Have a positive mind. Consider yourself better off now without your ex. You can now do all the good things you wanted to do for yourself, which you ex didn't allow you to either because they were just being controlling, wanted you to postpone it, or just didn't like it. You can now enroll in that academic program this year. You can now easily buy that expensive dress your ex didn't want you to buy without any interference. You can now hung out with your friends for longer hours, stay late at the mall or movies, talk on the phone with anyone you want for any length of time, etc. without anyone cursing at you or fighting with you. Those kinds of clothing your ex didn't want you to wear are now yours to wear. Enjoy your newly-found freedom and take control of your life.

1. 2.      Stay close to people you love and people who love and care about you

These could be your relatives or very good friends who have a genuine interest in your well-being. These people if well related to can be very supportive, and can help you fill the void of companionship your ex may have left in your life. This helps keep your mind off your ex and thus reduces the pain of the breakup.
Avoid being alone for prolonged periods because it keeps you fretting over your ex and your failed relationship and translates into a feeling of loneliness, failure, and disappointment. Being around people you like keeps you energized, and inspired.

1. 3.      Stay in shape, stay active and participate in fun activities you love

Just because you broke up with your partner doesn't mean you should now wear baggy clothing, eat yourself into fatness, and stop going to the gym. No! It is now time to even look sexier. Don't allow people to think you are now a miserable wretch because you lost your partner, as if your whole life depended on him or her. Engage in activities you love and enjoy. Go to the gym and get a good dose of exercise every day. Find creative ways of entertaining yourself. These keep your mind occupied and less likely to grieve over your breakup. Because grieving over your breakup will only keep you stressed and depressed. Worst still, as you continually waste time crying and mourning over "spilt milk", your blood pressure rises making you susceptible to hypertension and other heart diseases. So why lose your life over a lost partner? Forget about him or her and move on into something more productive.


Exercise also keeps you mind active, and helps you stay in shape so you can be noticed by other eligible partners. Eat healthy meals and dress elegantly to boost your image and confidence.

1. 4.      Pursue your life goals and dreams like never before

This is the time to challenge yourself that you can achieve anything or any goal without your ex's support. Empower yourself with this belief and pursue your dreams and work hard like you are trying to prove to your ex and all your skeptics that you can do it on your own. Let them see you succeed and wish they had kept you. Let this mindset challenge you to be your best. And when you are preoccupied with being your best, you wouldn't even have time to think about the breakup.

1. 5.      Free your mind and hold nothing against your ex

 Free your mind and harbor no ill feelings against your ex as that will only keep anger lingering in your heart, and thus poison everything you think and do. Holding resentments against your ex and the breakup could also affect your ability to stay open to new relationships and enjoy life to its fullest. Approach the breakup with a positive attitude. Even if you think you were treated unfairly, try to forgive and move on. Choose ease (or peace of mind) over anxiety. Relax and have a clear mind so that you will know the right action to take. If you like, you can remain a friend to your ex, but if you can't, then you should just avoid him or her entirely without harboring any ill feelings against them.

1. 6.      Move on and stay open to new relationships 

Finally, move on and stay open to new relationships. Just because you have been choked by food before doesn't mean you shouldn't eat again. It should only serve as a lesson as to what to eat, how and how not to eat next time. It is the same with relationships and breakups. Just because you tried it once and it didn't work doesn't mean it will never work. Don't let the fear of another breakup stop you from starting a new relationship. Just as all fingers are not the same, all men or women are not the same. So purge your mind of the "they-are-all-the-same" mentality and move on with hope. Stay open to new relationships and make a fresh start after a reasonable period of recovery.
Don't jump right into another relationship unless you're really sure about what you're doing because your judgment may be clouded by your depressed emotional state. During your time of loneliness after a breakup, a lot of people will come along with adequate attention and care. Most of these people will try to take advantage of your situation to rush you into another relationship only to hurt you again. So you have to be careful. Get over your pain first. Analyze yourself and your needs. Don't just give in to anyone who comes along; that shows you're desperate. And people like to take advantage of desperate people. So rationalize in choosing your next partner. Utilize the lessons you learned from your previous relationship, and do your part to make your new relationship work.
But even if it doesn't work, you should understand that finding the right partner is like digging for gold. Sometimes in order to find the right partner, you have to encounter and overcome a lot of challenges, disappointments and obstacles similar to the rocks, stones, clay and sand that have to be encountered and eliminated in order to get to the gold underneath. Only those who don't give up to these obstacles can bring home the gold. So don't give up; Go for the gold!