You and your partner just had the best sex you’ve had in years (cheers!) — and now you can’t help but want to share your good news. Do you call up your best friend for a quick brag session, email a few of your closest pals, or update your Facebook status (“Attention, America: We’ve still got it!”)? In today’s social-media-driven world, it can be tempting to over-share juicy details with your inner-circle. But when it comes to your sex life, there’s some information you should keep hush-hush, say experts.
Here are the dos and don’ts of talking about your sex life.
Let’s Not Talk About Sex: When to Keep Your Lips Sealed
Don’t post your sex-capades online. The golden rule of talking about sex? Keep it off social networks, says Dana Fillmore, PsyD, a psychologist in Del Mar, Calif., who specializes in marriage and is co-founder of StrongMarriageNow.com. When you share intimate details online, you risk losing the trust of your partner and the closeness you have as a couple.
Still, a recent survey from the condom-makers Trojan revealed that 10 percent of respondents have discussed sex on Facebook or Twitter. Tweeting about a sexual rendezvous “is riddled with all kinds of potential problems,” says Judy Kuriansky, PhD, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist and author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to a Healthy Relationship. Not only can just about anyone see what you’re posting, those dirty details stay out there in cyberspace for a long time (even post-breakup).
Don’t bring sex talk to the office. You might think it’s okay to make an innocent comment to colleagues about your sex life — but the workplace is one place sexual chatter doesn’t belong. Why? Things can easily get misconstrued, and you could find yourself in trouble with your boss, coworkers, or company policies, Kuriansky says.
On the phone with a friend at your desk? Leave conversations about sex for when you get home (or at least well out of earshot of anyone else). You never know who may overhear you and repeat what they heard to the wrong people.
Don’t spill the beans to just anyone. It’s perfectly fine to confide in a friend about what goes on in your bedroom, but you may want to make sure that pal isn’t the town gossip. “If you willy-nilly blab out all your sex complaints to just anybody, you open yourself up to all kinds of chatter,” Kuriansky says. Fess up to your most trusted friends only.
Don’t initiate online sex. According to the same Trojan survey, 18 percent of respondents said they have had sex with someone they met over the internet. “Talking dirty” with someone you meet in a chat room may seem perfectly safe — after all, it’s on the computer or smartphone and not in person. But in reality, it can be anything but, Kuriansky cautions. You have no way of knowing who you are chatting with or if what you're hearing is true. For your safety, don’t take a chance on online sex.
Let’s Talk About Sex: When It’s Okay to Gab
Do confide in a trusted friend. Whether you want to brag or blow off steam about your sex life, your BFF can be a great person to turn to. But before you open up to someone other than your partner, set some ground rules, says Kuriansky. Have your friend promise not to repeat what you say to anyone else. Tell her you’re only confiding in her because you know you can trust her. And if you have any doubts at all, keep the scoop to yourself.
Do get your partner’s okay first. If you want to talk about last night’s romp in the hay with a friend, it’s a good idea to clear it with your partner first, says Fillmore. “Many men are not comfortable with their sex life being discussed with others,” she says. If he gives you the go ahead, try to limit the negative chitchat: Bitching about your sex life with your girlfriends can actually harm your relationship.
Do tell your partner what turns you on (and off). If something about your sex life is bothering you, here’s the one person you need to tell: Your partner. “Couples all too often bottle up what’s bothering them in bed, and expect that their partner knows what’s on their mind and what they like or don’t like,” says Kuriansky. Keep quiet about your unmet needs, and resentment can build. (And don’t forget to tell him what you like, too!).
Do rehearse tough topics. Got a thorny subject to broach with your partner (such as an STD — or a new position you’ve wanted to try?). Practice makes perfect, says Kuriansky. Say it silently or out loud to yourself. “You want to get it right so it doesn’t go awry,” she says. Think about how your partner could interpret what you’re saying and then try to find the words that make your point clearly.
Do talk to a sex therapist. “If there’s something in your sex life that’s been bothering you for a while, seeking the advice of a sex therapist should go without saying,” Kuriansky says. Sex therapists are specially trained in a range of issues that come up in relationships, whether it’s regarding sexual function, improving your sex life, or intimacy. You can go it alone — or try therapy with your partner.
And sex therapy doesn’t always mean months on the couch. “You and your partner may be able to resolve the issue with a short consultation involving a couple of visits,” says Kuriansky. And remember, finding a therapist with whom you both feel comfortable is extremely important.
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