That’s when you wake up.
Yep, you were having a sex dream, and that doesn’t mean you’re weird or have a raving sex drive. On the contrary, research shows that most Americans dream about sex often: About 8 percent of nighttime reveries involve some sort of sexual activity, according to a University of Montreal study, with women getting it on in dreamland just as frequently as men.
But just why do we have sex dreams? And what does it mean when the other person involved is your boss, your best friend, a young Ringo Starr — or even all three at the same time?
“All dreams, even sex dreams, can be easily connected to things going on in your life,” says Ian Wallace, a dream psychologist and author of The Top 100 Dreams: The Dreams That We All Have and What They Really Mean. “And every character in your dream represents a small snippet of your own personality.”
Wallace explains it like this: When someone pops up in your sex dream, it doesn’t necessarily imply you want to be intimate with this person. Instead, he or she probably possesses some admirable personality trait (such as leadership skills, kindness, or a flair for fashion) that you recognize in yourself but haven’t yet fully developed. “Showing off your talents and traits requires that you open up and become vulnerable and exposed,” says Wallace — just like sex (which is why your snoozing psyche converts it into this extremely intimate act).
Psychologist Gillian Holloway, PhD, agrees: On her dream interpretation Web site, she explains that while some sex dreams may simply be “wish fulfillment” (you probably won’t be able to score with this person in real life, so you resort to your dreams), sex dreams are usually more complex, reflecting your own personal desires and fears.
Here’s a look at who’s showing up in your racy reveries — and why.
What It Means When Your Sex Dream Stars…
Your boss. Workplace romps may be the most universal sex dream, according to Wallace. But if you and your boss are getting it on in the Land of Nod, does that mean should cut back on those one-on-one meetings or skip next week’s happy hour? Probably not. “Sure, you may be sexually attracted to your boss,” says Wallace. “But if you’re having sex with him in a dream, your subconscious is probably becoming aware of your own ability to make decisions and act as a leader.” So once you shake that post-sex-dream awkwardness, perhaps you should schedule a date with your boss … to discuss your future with the company.
Your friend. Not again! You’ve established a completely platonic relationship with a member of the opposite sex — and suddenly he’s got a leading role in your sex dream. What’s going on? You can chalk this up to your pal having a quality that you admire or see in yourself. Explains Wallace: “People often tell me, ‘I have a friend. He’s ugly; he kind of smells — but I keep dreaming about sex with him. Am I mad?” Quit the worrying. He probably has some talent (his karaoke skills?) that your subconscious is working to develop.
Your crush. It seems like a no-brainer that the person you’re infatuated will star in your sex dream — but why you’re fantasizing about him in your sleep isn’t as obvious. “It’s easy to assume this means you want to have sex with that person,” says Wallace. “But you’re actually being drawn to one of his emotional or spiritual qualities.” (And you thought you had a dirty mind!)
A celebrity. After bosses, celebrities are the most common headliners in our sex dreams, says Wallace. And interestingly enough, the University of Montreal study found that women were twice as likely as men to have nighttime fantasies about sleeping with a famous person. What’s going on? Even though a romp in the hay with Jennifer Aniston or Denzel Washington may sound like a dream come true, your psyche is simply recognizing a talent you have in common with the star.
Your ex. You thought you were finally over him, and suddenly he’s back in your dreams — naked. Why must our minds torture us so? According to Wallace, if you’re dreaming about an ex-lover, it could mean that you’re unknowingly repeating bad habits from your failed relationship. Consider this type of sex dream a red flag.
Your partner having an affair with someone else. If you’re honey “strayed” while you were snoozing, don’t be too quick to worry about what’s going on in real life. This sex nightmare probably has a lot more to with you than him. “When you dream that your partner is having an affair, it may mean that you’re losing faith in your own abilities or attractiveness,” says Wallace. Perhaps all you need is a confidence boost, and it’ll be you — not that forbidden mistress — starring in your sex dream.
A stranger. “When people have sex dreams about strangers, the unknown person is often wearing a mask or has no face,” says Wallace. Who is this mysterious intruder? It’s just your subconscious telling you to unmask that talent you’ve been hiding. And according Holloway’s dream interpretation Web site, it may also mean that you’re discovering qualities you want in a partner — even though you haven’t found him yet.
Your family member. Eek! Having a sex dream with your sibling or parent sounds icky, creepy, and just plain wrong — but Wallace insists it’s completely normal. And once again, it all boils down to your kin’s character. If your dad, sister, or great uncle has some trait that you admire or recognize in yourself, watch out: You may just end up in bed with them … in your dreams, of course.
Bottom line? There’s no need to take that X-rated head trip too literally or start fretting about problems in your real-world sex life. Consider your sex dream the wakeup call you needed to get to know yourself better.
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