Everything from anxiety to painful sex can lead couples into a sexual dry spell — an extended period without sex lasting for months, or even years. “It’s not all that uncommon,” says Ann Hartlage, PhD, psychologist and director of the Marital and Sex Therapy Program at Rush University Medical Center in Chicago.
At the beginning of a relationship, virtually everyone says sex is great, Hartlage says. “When you’re first in a sexual relationship, the barriers between you are coming down, and you’re discovering a new person, and there are no fears of intimacy for most people,” she explains. “It’s very exciting to first be with the person.”
Then the excitement wears off, and sometimes people don’t make the transition to a deeper relationship or realize that it takes work to keep sex and the relationship alive, Hartlage says.
Getting to the Root of Your Sexual Problem
Although there are a number of reasons a relationship may be without sex, three common themes tend to come up, says Philip A. Rutter, PhD, an assistant professor in the human sexuality program at Widener University in Chester, Pa., and a relationship/sex therapist in private practice in Philadelphia.
A previous negative experience. If one partner has a bad sexual experience with the other (for example, her or she didn’t enjoy being touched a certain way or having sex a certain way), that partner may understandably avoid sex to prevent a repeat performance, Rutter says.
The arrival of a baby. It’s common for couples to go through a spell with no sex starting three to six months before a baby arrives until six months after, Rutter says. A new mother may be experiencing body image issues, or intercourse may be painful for her. New fathers may be fearful about having sex during pregnancy, even though doctors say it won’t hurt the baby. Plus, there’s the factor of sheer exhaustion — both during pregnancy for the woman and after a baby arrives for both parents — that can contribute to sex life going stale.
Relationship conflicts. When you’re fighting about finances, parenting styles, or a betrayal of trust, sex can become a bargaining chip, Rutter says.
From No Sex to Becoming Intimate Again
Once you’ve identified what the problem is, you can begin the work of becoming intimate again.
See a doctor if you need to. If you’re having pain or another physical problem that’s keeping you from having sex, see your doctor. Physical problems are generally the easiest to solve, but some couples wait much too long to seek help, Hartlage says.
Open up communication. If you’ve had a negative experience that you’re trying to avoid going through again, it’s time to talk about it. Have the conversation outside of the bedroom, Rutter says. A good time to broach the topic may be while you’re sitting together watching television. An intimate, nonsexual, moment — such as holding hands or rubbing each other’s feet while sitting on the couch — could be the perfect time to say: “The last time we did X, I didn’t enjoy it. I’d prefer Y.”
Make time for each other. Responsibilities such as jobs, children, aging parents, and housekeeping can fill up your calendar quickly, leaving you no time or energy for each other. But intimacy can’t linger at the bottom of the list. Make spending quality time with each other a priority by scheduling dates, Hartlage recommends.
Ease into intimacy. Trying to rush things can backfire. Instead, you may benefit from the common sexual exercise called sensate focus, Hartlage says. Sensate focus helps ease you into intimacy with your partner by progressing through stages. Initially, you disrobe with each other and spend time touching, avoiding genital touching and intercourse. Each partner gives the other positive feedback, telling what he or she likes. The next week, the couple does the same thing but adds genital touching. In the third week, the couple can progress to intercourse, Hartlage says.
Use videos, books, or toys to get in the mood. Rutter recommends the Sinclair Institute’s website, where you can find information about sex and sexuality, as well as buy books, videos, and sex toys to increase your sexual satisfaction as a couple. You may be able to find books and videos that specifically address your issues. For instance, if pregnancy or a new baby is keeping you from becoming intimate, check out the video series about sex during and after pregnancy, and how to deal with changes in body image and sexual discomfort, Rutter says.
Consider other ways to be intimate. If your focus is usually intercourse and climax, broadening your sexual activity by including oral sex, mutual masturbation, or fantasy sex play may help make the bedroom steamy again, Rutter says. Another idea is to plan an exciting sexual surprise for your partner, such as being intimate in a different place than usual, Hartlage suggests.
Resolve conflicts. If fights with your partner are leaving you both cold, it’s vital that you work on resolving these issues. Some couples are very insightful and able to talk about problems without devolving into a raging argument, Rutter says. In that case, you may be able to talk it through yourselves. However, a lot of people will need to seek couples counseling. Finding solutions to conflict can warm things up in the bedroom and lead to sexual satisfaction.
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